She Was There

Today, I went to Mass in Sherman with my sister, my dad, and my wife.  The Mass was uneventful until the Communion Hymn.  The title is "Bread of Life." It is a rather innocuos  hymn, but I noticed that it was the first time my dad had sung during the entire Mass.  When they announced the hymn, my sister told me that it was mom's favorite.

That was a fact that I never knew.  This was also the first time that I had attended Mass in Sherman.  Mom has been gone for almost nine years.  Most of us have moved on. But memories remain.  As the hymn came to an end, I noticed my dad weeping while trying to finish the hymn.  This hymn isn't sung every week, or even every month.  The fact that the one week that I am in Sherman, it is sung? I'm just saying.

Chance, coincidence, happenstance?  I don't know. But as for me, what do I think?

She was letting the four of us know that she is still with us.I still miss her, but I don't think of her enough.

I also saw my dad in a new light.  The tears that he was unsuccessfully holding back showed me the bond between the two of them.  I can only hope that the bond between Faye and me is as strong. I think that knowing Mom is still guiding me will keep me heading in the right direction.

In _____ I Trust

I have been reflecting lately on my trust issues.  Why I have them, where do they stem from, and what can I do about them.  The "why" is the most difficult.  I am somewhat of  a successful person  and I do not have to rely on many people to sustain that success. I think that self-reliance is a virtue that needs to be cultivated because you never know when the people around you will let you down, or not stand by you when you need them.

 Why do I feel that way? The people that I trust most, my family, have always stood by me.  I do not have many friends, probably because of my trust issues, but I don't know if I ever REALLY trust them.  I always have believed that people who are nice to me have a hidden agenda. I guess that is because my low self-esteem keeps me from thinking that I have value for someone else. Why is that so?  Maybe because I know me, and the demons that torment me. Wow!

What does this stem from?  I am sure my shyness stemmed from the way I look.  I have mirrors, although I try to use them as little as possible, so I see myself on a daily basis, and I know it is not a pretty sight.  Some of you are questioning my "shyness." I can assure you that the bravado and smart aleckness are defense mechanisms to keep people laughing with me and not at me. After years of building up a crust, I can now handle being in public places by ignoring others, attacking others, or making preemptive jokes about others.

I would love to trust people.  But I don't see it happening anytime soon.  I pray each day for peace in my heart. Maybe I should add the ability to trust.

Is It Luck?

It has been a long day.  Ten and a half years after being diagnosed with, and surviving, inflammatory breast cancer, Faye has to see doctors every Fall.  I am the one that seems to dread it most.  I always worry, but it is even worse this time of year. At times like these, I wish I could be like my sainted mother.

Mom suffered immensely during her life, putting up with the nine of us idiots, and our wild ass dad.  She was in constant pain for the last thirty years of her life because of a fall that crushed both heels.  We had nothing for a long time, but she was expected to make it all work, and make everything better.  Whenever something tragic or annoying happened, she would retort, "I feel lucky." She felt lucky when the car broke down.  She felt lucky when the lights got turned off.  She felt lucky when almost anything happened that would make a lesser human go berserk.

She always put everything in perspective.  No matter what happened, she knew that she had nine children and a husband who loved her.  She had grandchildren that adored her.  People off the street thought she was the nicest person they ever met.  She always found a reason to smile.

I have a reason to smile today.  the polyp found during Fay's colonoscopy is benign.  Her blood work was great.  Her mammogram was negative.  Dr. Blum said she found nothing abnormal during her examination. Faye is amazing and I can finally smile.

 I FEEL LUCKY!!!

YEA!! It's Over

One day after the colonoscopy and none the worse for wear.  The prep is much more annoying than the procedure.  It was 24 hours of yuck. Don't tell anyone, but after Faye and I left the hospital, we went to the car and I drove us home.  She said I did great, but she was in the same shape that I was.I only have to wait ten more years for the procedure again. 

Next on the list is Faye's annual appointment with the oncologist this Thursday.  Please keep her (and me) in your prayers.  If there is some anomaly seen by Dr. Blum, I will be more of a basket case than Faye.  She doesn't read this, so I can tell you a secret. I act strong, but she is the strong one.  Most of you probably know that already.

Just a side note.  Friendships are fleeting, but memories of friendships last forever.  And the memories are usually painted in such a way that only the cherished ones shine through.  

Cumbaya Society

Wow!! I have been away from my blog for 10 months. During that time, I have been working on improving myself. I have learned a few things. First, I am not perfect. I know, I know, you never thought you would hear me say that. However, I am better than I was, and I am getting better all the time. Even though I have a long way to go, I have made strides in the past few months.




Second, I have returned to Church. I am now a member of St. Mark in Denton. That first Confession, or Reconciliation as it is called now, was a doozy. I brought a pot of coffee for the priest. After fifteen minutes of categorizing sins by Commandment, he started to give me a Pennance. I stopped him and said, "Wait Father, that was August 23, 1974. Now we will move on to August 24."




Nonetheless, I am glad that I am back. I searched and searched for an answer. I knew what it was, but I was reluctant. I looked at other denominations, but they did not seem to me to be rooted in what I believed. The Prosperity gospel, or Contemporary gospel as some call it, was out because it seemed to center on fellowship as the center of the church, rather than the Word itself. Also, I am a "cradle" Catholic and I understand it without having to sit around in a group and sing Cumbaya.

IT WILL GET BETTER, I HOPE

I think that it is possible to both love, and hate, this time of year. The Joy of the Season is negated by the memories of those who are not here. There is also the hectic frenzy of the hustle and bustle. People are everywhere, all the time, at the same time.
On the other hand, seeing my family all together makes my heart soar. I sometimes will just sit quietly, and watch the interaction of family members. They are so close to each other that my eyes will well up. I leave the room so that nobody will think that I am sad.
I cannot seem to get the emptiness to subside. In the past, I could rely on Faye to be my rock. However, she has been struck by tragedy in the last few years, and needs me to be her rock. I am not doing a very good job.
I do not know when the emptiness I feel without mom will go away. I do not know if I want it to go away. I am afraid that the pain of her loss is what keeps her in my heart. If it is, then I gladly accept the pain.
I wish that I were more like her. I try to be, but I do not have her patience, understanding, or “I feel lucky” attitude. These are things that I hope I can change in the future. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again. I hope that my home is the place where my family shares triumphs, defeats, successes, and even failures.
I do have things for which to be grateful. My son, Chris, is doing great in spite of my poor efforts at parenthood. I am so proud of him. My wife, Faye, is healthy, and a ten year survivor. My health is good, and I am taking better care of myself. I feel closer to Faye than I have in years. I think I finally get it. I hope I am not too late.

I'm a Friggin Genius

For those of you who think I don't know what I'm talking about ------  Here is a morsel from my post over a year ago, April, 2009.  This is also for those of you that think I am a right wing conservative that repeats the doctrine of the three stooges --- Rush, Glenn, and Sean.

I just believe that if government stays out of the way, and lets the economy be the Darwinistic force that lets the strong survive and the weak fail, the rising tide will raise all ships.  This not only goes for the big banks, but also for GM and Chrysler.

April 1, 2009

What's Goin' On?

AIG, GM,--------WTF? The real culprit is Goldman Sachs (GS). GS punked AIG by getting a very low rate of insurance on the toxic assets that they were pushing. When the assets failed, AIG had to pay 50 Billion in losses. When the taxpayers bailed out AIG, we were actually paying for Goldman Sachs bad investment. Here's the kicker ----GS stock $110, AIG $1 --- WTF? If a dumbass like me can understand, what's wrong with DC?

I Heard It Through The Grapevine

The threats by our executive branch that it will allow GM to fail and go into receivership are idle threats. It is called brinksmanship, bringing a situation to the brink of disaster so that an agenda can be accomplished. If you think that Obama and the Democratic Party would allow GM to fail, thereby abrogatiing the labor contracts of the UAW, you are nuts. By the way, why was the CEO of GM forced to resign, but the head of the UAW is still there? No answer needed, it was rhetorical.