In _____ I Trust

I have been reflecting lately on my trust issues.  Why I have them, where do they stem from, and what can I do about them.  The "why" is the most difficult.  I am somewhat of  a successful person  and I do not have to rely on many people to sustain that success. I think that self-reliance is a virtue that needs to be cultivated because you never know when the people around you will let you down, or not stand by you when you need them.

 Why do I feel that way? The people that I trust most, my family, have always stood by me.  I do not have many friends, probably because of my trust issues, but I don't know if I ever REALLY trust them.  I always have believed that people who are nice to me have a hidden agenda. I guess that is because my low self-esteem keeps me from thinking that I have value for someone else. Why is that so?  Maybe because I know me, and the demons that torment me. Wow!

What does this stem from?  I am sure my shyness stemmed from the way I look.  I have mirrors, although I try to use them as little as possible, so I see myself on a daily basis, and I know it is not a pretty sight.  Some of you are questioning my "shyness." I can assure you that the bravado and smart aleckness are defense mechanisms to keep people laughing with me and not at me. After years of building up a crust, I can now handle being in public places by ignoring others, attacking others, or making preemptive jokes about others.

I would love to trust people.  But I don't see it happening anytime soon.  I pray each day for peace in my heart. Maybe I should add the ability to trust.