I think that it is possible to both love, and hate, this time of year. The Joy of the Season is negated by the memories of those who are not here. There is also the hectic frenzy of the hustle and bustle. People are everywhere, all the time, at the same time.
On the other hand, seeing my family all together makes my heart soar. I sometimes will just sit quietly, and watch the interaction of family members. They are so close to each other that my eyes will well up. I leave the room so that nobody will think that I am sad.
I cannot seem to get the emptiness to subside. In the past, I could rely on Faye to be my rock. However, she has been struck by tragedy in the last few years, and needs me to be her rock. I am not doing a very good job.
I do not know when the emptiness I feel without mom will go away. I do not know if I want it to go away. I am afraid that the pain of her loss is what keeps her in my heart. If it is, then I gladly accept the pain.
I wish that I were more like her. I try to be, but I do not have her patience, understanding, or “I feel lucky” attitude. These are things that I hope I can change in the future. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again. I hope that my home is the place where my family shares triumphs, defeats, successes, and even failures.
I do have things for which to be grateful. My son, Chris, is doing great in spite of my poor efforts at parenthood. I am so proud of him. My wife, Faye, is healthy, and a ten year survivor. My health is good, and I am taking better care of myself. I feel closer to Faye than I have in years. I think I finally get it. I hope I am not too late.
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