Am I Selfish?

For the past few years, about this time of year, I am riddled with a mix of feelings.  Yup, I said it, feelings.  I try to be on an even keel most of time.  My friends and family know that there are a few subjects that will pull me offside, like politics, religion, and philosophy.  But these are just exercises, that in the long run, keep my brain working, keep me thinking, and reinforce most of my doctrine, creeds, and views of the world.

This time of year, however, my thoughts turn inward.  I seem to be angry inside.  I think I'm mad at myself, because I'm mad at mom.  She left us almost seven years ago.  I should be glad that I had her in my life so long.  I know that if she was here today, that she probably would be very ill, maybe incoherent, and certainly, miserable.

Then why am I angry?  Is it because she died without giving us a chance to say good-bye?  Am I selfish because she went the way she wanted to, without causing any trouble, but not the way I wanted, with angels singing and her smiling at me, saying, "I love you very much, and I am proud of you?" Thanksgiving and Christmas help because the rest of the family is mostly intact and together.  But at the same time, it is sad, because she's not here.

This year it is even worse because Faye lost her sister in January.  She is keeping up appearances, but I know she has a heavy heart.  Her sister was a wonderful person with a great family, and lots of grandbabies.  She also left without saying good-bye. Faye and I miss her very much.  She was the glue that kept Faye's family together and the effects are apparent.

My initial question was, "Am I selfish?"  The answer is probably yes.  It looks like I am not going to be able to pick and choose when people come and go in my life.  So, I will try to be right with everyone so that if something happens, I won't be mad at them, and likewise, they won't be mad at me.